Motherhood Not for the Squeamish
I was watching “Dirty Jobs” with Mike Rowe, the other day with my son. I wonder if he has ever done a show on the dirtiest job of all, motherhood. There’s a whole alphabet of disgusting things that moms deal with on a daily basis, barf, blood, boogers, diapers and diarrhea. Not to mention mold and mildew. If he could squeeze eighteen years of child rearing and housework into a one hour show, he would have an episode so gross no one could sit though it. Especially at dinnertime.
Next to “Moooom!, Tommy’s playing out in the middle of a four lane highway!” Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a mother quite like hearing “eeeeewwww!” emanating from one of her children. You just know that what awaits you will require a strong constitution and some heavy-duty stain remover.
Over the years I have been blessed with some memorable messes. Many of them involved the still recognizable remains of some sort of animal that the dog heaved up. Cleaning hair from the bathtub drain almost does me in. I’ll spare you the gory details. Just use your imagination. On second thought, don’t. I think my personal “favorite” (maybe favorite is the wrong word) was the fluorescent green diaper load my son presented me with after consuming blueberry flavored applesauce. It was the first of many diapers that prompted the question, what did you eat?
Those of you who have children can probably relate. Those of you contemplating parenthood be warned. Motherhood not only requires an iron will, but an iron stomach as well.
My New and Improved? Twelve for 2112
Oops! Sean Patrick Hazlett at Reflection of a Rational Republican has asked for predictions for 2112. I thought He wanted predictions for 2012. That’s what years of watching Barney the Dinosaur with your kids does to your brain. Drawing on the hopes, dreams and sense of humor of a housewife, this is what I think the average household will look like 100 years from now.
- Homes will be built of materials that are resistant to heat and radiation. This means that people will no longer fear losing their homes to fires or maybe even a nuclear war. Houses will also be able to shield their occupants from the effects of climate change
- Homes will have self-cleaning filtration systems. Household air will be free from dust, pollens and pollutants greatly reducing the prevalence of diseases such as asthma and hay fever. It will be discovered however that such clean living results in weakening our immune systems causing outbreaks of new diseases.
- Clothing will be made from disposable, compostable materials. Eliminating the need to do laundry while nourishing the soil.
- Boo boos will be treated with a spray-on synthetic skin that will immediately heal the wound and eliminate scarring. It will still be permissible to “kiss it and make it better”
- Mundane housework such as dusting, mopping and vacuuming will all be done by a household robot. Like a Roomba on steroids.
- Bad hair days will be eliminated. A woman will be able to style her hair by uploading an image of her face and the desired style to an automated hair dresser that will then fix her hair. By interconnecting to the auto stylists of your neighbors you can still catch up on the latest gossip.
- Baby monitors will be able to interpret an infant’s cries. We will now know if baby needs a fresh diaper, a bottle or just a hug.
- 3-D technology will advance to where we will be able to interact with the characters on our TV screen. This will prove to be a bad thing leading to all sorts of social dysfunctions.
- We will be able to communicate with each other via cell phone like devices implanted behind our ears. These devices will also be able to issue reminders and to do lists to us making errand running more efficient. As an added bonus husbands will no longer be able to forget birthdays and anniversaries. On the downside it will be difficult to tell if a person is schizophrenic or merely having a legitimate conversation.
- The ultimate remote will be invented. This device will enable a wife to override all other remote devices in the house. Eliminating inappropriate programming, channel surfing and excess sports watching.
- The “little red schoolhouse” will cease to exist as all children will be taught at home through virtual schools.
- I’m still holding out hope for that replicator.
The DARE Program (Dogs, Accused of Rubbish Eating)
I’ve had many dogs through the years. Some were acquired on purpose, most wandered up the driveway. Beckoned by the huge sucker, visible only to dogs, painted on the garage door. This gave me an opportunity to study many dog behaviors. Most dogs have bad habits that can be overcome with training and patience, but there is one habit that I have never seen a dog broken of. Getting into the trash.
What is it about a reeking garbage can that makes it irresistible to dogs? Is it the tantalizing texture of a Brillo pad? The succulent aroma of a sanitary napkin? The mouth-watering flavor of molding leftovers? After years of observation I have come to the conclusion that garbage is dog crack.
There’s no other way to explain why a dog, nervously looking over his shoulder, will sneak, cowering with his tail between his legs, back to a garbage can knowing that a beating will be the result. Rather than get angry we should pity them. They can’t help it. They’re addicted. As there are no twelve-step programs for doggie trash addiction, the best advice I can offer is to keep the trash away from the dog. And be thankful he doesn’t smoke.